The transition to my new life hasn’t been the easiest.  I am one of those people who is always busy, not necessarily productive but busy.  Yeah, one of *those* people.  I have a tendency to define myself by my success, my achievements and the number of things on my to-do list.  The other part of my brain, the real part, knows that this is all bullshit and nobody (not even me really) cares two hoots about my to-do list.  The real part of my brain knows that defining myself by any means other than who I really am is also bullshit.  Sadly the real part of my brain doesn’t shout as loudly and keeps losing the argument.  Cue big huffy sulks about what a loser I am and a massive pity party with streamers and balloons (even though I have always found balloons slightly scary and alarming).

The reasons for my decision to change everything were manifold and not all of them were within my control – and did I mention I’m a control freak as well, so things being out of my control (especially things like my health that the shouty bit of my brain thinks define me as a successful woman) make me anxious?  But the main reason for the change was because I know deep down I need a simple life, with simple routines to be who I truly am.  I know I have been living in the shadow of the shouty part of my brain at the expense of the life I really want.  But even laying bare all the bones for that life I still keep trying to find ways of filling up my time being busy.  Busy doing nothing mostly, and not in a good way.

I had a wake up call this week.  It was partly to do with the four day migraine, partly to do with a couple of decisions I had to make.  The outcome of all this was simple.  If I wanted that life I had to set an intention to do so.

So readers, here I am making myself accountable to you for my intentions for October:-

* To get on my yoga mat five times a week for 30-40 minutes.

* To establish a day to day routine with space to be, to write, to bake, to study for massage school, to teach, to read.

* To write in my journal every day.

* To take each day as it comes, not panic about an imagined dystopian future or worry about mistakes made in the past.  To enjoy right now as it happens and to remember that vow of mindfulness I made in January.

Readers, what are your intentions for October?

One red tomato.  Yes.  Still only the one.  So today we picked it and Himself fried it up with mushrooms for sandwiches.

It’s been a bad year for tomatoes, Ma Yogini’s garden has only produced two red ones and many miles and an ocean away in Oregon Yancy isn’t having much luck either.

However, one red tomato is better than none.  Many green tomatoes is better than dead plants.  This is our first year of tomato growing after all.  Next year apparently we’re growing them upside down.  I’ll keep you posted.

The growing of vegetables fits well in my year of mindfulness.  Slowly, slowly during the course of this year I am learning to slow down, to observe the world around me, to stop rushing on to the next thing and the next thing and to appreciate where I am right now.  Learning to let go, not to grasp onto things and allow life to take me where it takes me.

As I watch my garden grow from tiny seedlings to plants bearing fruit I realise that season by season, year by year the cycles of life continue and this happens whether I am rushing about like a headless chicken, or sitting back and enjoying what happens around me.  Nature doesn’t much care what I do as long as I don’t interfere in her workings. And there is a lesson in that.

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To end today on a gardening related theme why not enjoy Emma’s post from a while back – a yoga sequence for gardeners.

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This is an idea I got from a post on Magical Ordinary and a project for Pink Moss.

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me aged 12 hiding in the rocks on Bruny Island off the coast of Tasmania, Australia

My Dearest Self,

It might feel like you’re useless and ugly and friendless right now, but you aren’t.  Everything is just about to change.  When those braces come off your teeth next year they are going to reveal a whole new woman.  You’re about to discover punk rock and New Model Army and music is about to become the most important thing in your life.  And you’re going to make some fantastic friends.

Maybe the insane Flock of Seagulls haircut won’t be such a great idea, and maybe that awful orange hair dye could, in hindsight, be seen as a mistake but you know what?  Do it anyway!

You are so beautiful, really you are, and you don’t even realise it.  And the not realising, that makes you even more beautiful.  When you’re in your 30s you are going to look at photos of yourself when you were 19 and think “did I really look like that?  Wow!”.  You won’t believe me now, but those braces are going to be totally worth it!

There are going to be tough times.  Really tough times.  To the point where you don’t know how you’re going to get through them, but you will, because your family love you and will be there for you no matter what.  You won’t always think they love you but they do.  Oh they do.

The most important thing I want you to remember though is this:  All we have is right now, this moment.  The past doesn’t exist and the future never comes so don’t spend your life worrying about them.  Enjoy what you have, ever last minute of it.  Live for today and don’t let anyone tell you what to do.

I would like to take this moment to ask you not to start smoking next year because whatever you say it’s going to be another 15 years before you give up, but I don’t expect you’re going to listen.

So let me leave you with this.  You are beautiful, intelligent and funny.  Not everyone is going to see this, but that’s OK.  Just hold those who do close as hell!

Love Me, Your 35 Year Old Self

x

What would you tell your 12-year-old self?